It is easy to talk about being spiritual and drawing closer to God yet difficult to actually do. Especially if you are fallible. And boy howdy, am I fallible. I do not know about you, but most of my mistakes seem to center on pride. Just about an hour ago I got a parking ticket. This after I had already been ticketed on Tuesday. Apparently, I am not particularly conversant with alternate-side parking. 

But that's not what I told my mother Tuesday afternoon. I was angry and embarrassed about that first ticket and waved away her concerns of "becoming more familiar with what the signs say" by telling her that, yes, yes, I'd figured it out. They wouldn't ticket me again. Oh no. Not me. I was wise to their game.

Uh huh. 

Humilitatem... 

So here I am, back in the New York City metropolitan area (Jersey City stares straight at the Village from across the Hudson) and my return is heralded by a total of $84.00 dollars in parking fines that I can ill afford. Can't afford at all in fact as I'm unemployed. And the first thing I could think of to assuage my wounded pride? Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's. 

Well, shit. 

How can I talk about being obedient to God when I can't even be obedient to alternate-side parking? It is hardly fair to denigrate the meter-maid for my mistake. And sure, it may be a racket on the part of Jersey City, but hey, such is life. If I'd been humble enough to listen to my mother (Fourth Commandment) and figured this out Tuesday afternoon, I would likely not be so exasperated now. But pride got in the way. 

And I'm writing about this in order to highlight what it means for me to progress through discernment - it is not solely focused in some narrow area of incense and chanting, but rather affects my whole life. I am not, after all, simply taking a portion of me into formation. All of me is going. Including the bits that hand-wave concerns out of a prideful and childish desire not to revisit hurt or embarrassment. 

But the wise welcome admonition. The wise embrace correction. It is the fool that flees or denies or hides from criticism. And I've played the fool long enough.

However, I think my new role may take a great deal of getting use to.