Blessed Alberione, pray for us and for the repose of the soul of Br. Richard Brunner. Christ Master, Way, Truth, and Life, have mercy on us. Our Lady, Queen of Apostles, pray for us. 

I am not much a blogger, in that I do not rush to blog. Thus this post may be a bit of a gumbo. Of course, this blog is a journal of sorts. So that is expected.

Br. Richard passed away this morning. He had a heart attack late last week and went to the hospital. There he had a triple-bypass but complications arrested him this morning and God called him home. Of all the priests and brothers of the Society of St. Paul that I have come to know in the last year, Br. Richard was not on my list of those I expected to lose. He was not the oldest by far, nor, I had been given to understand, in ill-health. He was a quiet, charming, devoted man, Community Superior (our "super"), and the long-time friend of many, many people who undoubtedly will miss him dearly. 

Heaven has found a decent soul and while the Society has lost a brother, they have gained an intercessor at the Throne of God. I trust that a man as self-effacing as Br. Richard will pass through the heats of purgatory with grace. May he join the company of saints and glory in the Beatific Vision for ever and ever, amen. 

Amen indeed.

But, as I said, this post is a hodgepodge. The reality of a Christian life is one of trial and suffering, grace and freedom. Today was more the former than the latter. I have wrestled with lust and pornography for years. Prior to the internet, this was a petty, trivial problem that rarely reared its head. Since my first computer in 2001, well, its threat has been unremitting. 

Today I "fell" - that is the euphemism we use in a support group I was previously a member of, one dedicated to helping men of all vocations and problems deal with the devil of unchastity in whatever form it may take. Today, for reasons I am not too clear on, I was not as strong as other days (I did not respond to grace) and I viewed a pornography website and indulged in a short bout of self-abuse. As one of the more shameful sins, I find it hard to type, not knowing who will read this or what they may think of me. I know what I think of me and what God does and the gulf between those two is burden enough to bear. The opinions of others I acknowledge but cannot carry.

The Church and Frs. Groeschel, Apostoli, DuBay, and Cantalamesa hold that chastity is a positive virtue. You should read that in the classic understanding of "positive", i.e., as something which itself exists, has its own character; it is a thing, not the lack of a thing. Abstinence is a foregoing, a subtraction of something, meat, conversation, sex, etc. Chastity involves abstinence but is not reduced to it. 

The problem is, I have not figured out yet how to adopt chastity in that manner. I can write about it and discuss it and argue it, but I'm only in the earliest days of figuring out how to live it. 

I have a long way to go. 

Men like Br. Richard have been wrestling with this far longer than I have and, presumably, have found or been given through formation methods to inculcate and grow chastity within themselves as part of their deepening relationship with Christ as a religious. The life he led, a life of prayer, of work, of self-sacrifice, of community, may not have been perfect, but it is the life I want to lead as well. I barely knew Richard and he knew me even less well. He had given his whole life to the Society of St. Paul; I can only imagine the trials and sacrifices of such a life. I can only wonder at the graces. 

These men express joy in their vows. They have discovered their final cause in their consecration. And they remain sinners: culpable, peccable, imperfect, weak, but also Christians: persevering, loved, forgiven, bought for a price and redeemed. 

I am not certain what else to type. 

God bless.